Being Dull

What I’m feeling now… I wouldn’t name it fear, because it’s not. It’s a deep hollowness — a blurry, strange kind of vibe that’s hard to define, floating like a thin gray cloud in my mind.

This is a condition of the mind trying to protect itself — not holding on to any feeling so it won’t turn into a defined emotion. It’s probably managing a safe zone — an inner quiet space with boundaries so I can be at peace and unbothered by anything external.

At its deepest core, there’s an absence of sweetness — I barely express that love because I expect nothing. No wish, no hope. However… my inner sweetness toward the world somehow dissolves into that dullness too.

I guess that this void-like feeling — the silent state that requires no emotion — just wants to stay with me for a while. I’m letting it — patiently.

I used to wish someone would take responsibility for this feeling — but no one ever did. And maybe that’s what made me begin to see it differently.

Emotions have their origin, their source — but it doesn’t matter who caused it. No one’s going to be responsible for how I feel? Except for me trying to understand myself deeper than I ever have.

It’s the fact that I have these feelings because I’m still breathing on this earth.

And I’ve made sense of it, in my way. That’s what matters.

My words might not be all that sweet — and they’re not harsh either. So… I’m all right with that, honestly. Maybe I’m not ready to reactivate that inner sweetness yet.

Maybe you have ever felt like this too — part of being human — being dull.

Don’t be afraid that no one will ever understand you. Because at the end of the day, the moment you can see your thoughts wandering. You’re just being honest. That’s already enough.